An obligation

to explain why you are not in this equation

to give assurance that I must and will be there for you

to obey when I dont think you will either

to go the distance

to give sincerely and selflessly when I know I have expectations

to do the right thing when 'right' is only a perception

to give in with the hope that it would be remembered and appreciated

do I really need to?

A journey

Have you ever when on a journey where its really bumpy and you are totally unprepared for the detours, cross roads, t - junctions and tons of u turns, absolutely void of any proper directions and constantly under repair and maintenance.

A journey where there are patches of potholes , definitely a lot of surface cracks, you gotta deal with the edge deterioration and constant reminder that there are sharp bends and to slow down because of repair works up ahead.

There won't be a manual , proper instructions or tips to help you maneuver yourself on this journey..

well that's how its like if you are taking a journey to the centre of my heart ...

can someone tell me

Can someone tell me how to surf to the next blog and not get a page about a blogger blogging about politics in Malaysia?

Who is that girl?

I read all my old postings for the passed 3 years and I forgotten about that person writing all that posting. Who is that? Life is so much simpler, with no responsibilities, no worries and basically just a breeze.

Then came the posting for the past 12 months ...oih... so depressing.Can't even write a proper paragraph..just points and notes and so depressing. Its a miracle that anyone would want to be near me at all last year. its like someone walking with dark clouds on top on their head. Nothing beautiful and hopeful. Like the sun never came up. Like life is just a motion that you go through daily, with no feelings , no excitement, no time to step back and exhale.

The me then and the me now are two different person... the simplicity in the way I celebrated life is gone. Is this a disease that you get when you go up one notch in your career? The stress, the expectation, the commitment. You get sucked into this oblivion and if you are not careful you just get lost in it. The higher you climb the less human you become? There is no more 'you ' just what's expected of you. You need to make decisions which is so against what you really feel and yet you do it because its what you just need or have to do.

I want my old self back... I miss her. I shall find her. Where ever she is hiding..its time to wake up and smell the roses and let go of the shit dumbbells I hang around my neck.

I miss my body

I miss my body

I need to treat you better

I need you to be there for me through all this

I promise to give you more attention

I promise to love you more

I am tired of feeling tired

I am sick of falling sick

I just want to love you more

I just want to love you more

There is no answer

How do you know that you are happy ? or you think you found happiness

How is it measured ?

How does it really feel in the pit of your stomach ?

Is it the feeling of contentment?

Is it the feeling of utter joy?

Is it pleasure ?

Is it about having a great career

or the ability to have a career, and marriage and a family all rolled up in one?

Is it looking at your bank account and knowing that you are financially stable?

Is it doing good to others and being pious ?

Is it only something that you will only understand in retrospect but never in the future?

Is it something that others will tell you but you will never see it yourself?

Is it just a state of mind that you wish to attain so that you have enough faith to wake up tomorrow and live another day?

i feel

i feel like jacob knowing that bella will never ever chose him , but still habouring that hope that there may be an 'if'



i feel like seeing it with your third eye and knowing that it will not happen but still hanging on to it



i feel stupid and angry because i know and yet chose not to know



i feel anxious because i can't buy anymore time



i feel deep remorse because although it was a good lesson to learn but it was a costly one



i feel aggitated because i know its my own fault



i feel thankful that i was dumb and not a risk taker



i feel sad because i had to pay for my emotional default



i feel cheated by my need and desperation



i feel overwhelmed by how God reveals all that I need to know when its time